Yes, no, maybe so.
There’s a thing in NLP about outcome based actions, that what we do should be based on the outcome we desire.
But recently I found myself thinking about how it’s important to not be too attached to the way things turn out.
At least not to the point where you crash and burn when things don’t go to plan.
It’s an interesting balance between action and outcome.
Sometimes we do things we wouldn’t normally do in the hopes of getting what we want. Sometimes it works out in our favour and other times not so much.
I believe that your actions should be done in support of your desired outcome but you shouldn’t be so attached to the result that you’re disheartened if things don’t work out.
Because no matter how hard you try, wish and will, their is only one single factor that you can actually control.
People make careers out of their ability to influence others.
There’s whole branches of psychology and sections of NLP about how to influence and sway people in whatever direction you desire.
In fact people have the ability to make us feel as though we desire the very thing they have to offer and we believe it so much that we follow that feeling.
We spend money on things we’ve been influenced to buy. We follow the lives of strangers who influence the way we live our lives, the places we go, the way we dress and the products we use.
And sometimes it all seems calculated and sleazy.
You start to question if you really want anything at all.
But I can’t help but wonder, is it so wrong to be influenced?
I think the answer is no.
Of course if you’re spending all your money trying to be like someone else buying things you have no use for and generally have no sense of self you might need to take a step back.
But if you were influenced to read a book that taught you something new or opened your mind up to a new perspective, I think it’s okay.
Once I started earning enough money to buy my own things I realised that my purchases were heavily influenced by a variety of factors, not just people.
Often it’s about how we want to feel or be perceived and the person we are influenced by is likely to resonate that.
When we give to others generously and it isn’t received in the way we expected or would have preferred the first instinct might be to find fault in the receiver.
But often what is actually happening is we’re projecting. In many cases we give to others what we wish we had or could receive rather than assessing this persons needs as an individual.
Perhaps it’s in the form of constantly checking in or offering advice because you wished someone had checked in with you and gave you guidance.
But then the receiver might reject all the advice you give and not open up when you check in which could leave you frustrated.
You’ll find yourself wondering why this person isn’t grateful for your generosity, after all you didn’t have anyone do this for you.
It’s at that point that you might want to reflect on why this person might be responding the way they do.
If you really want to help someone ask them what they need rather than just putting yourself in there position.
There’s a thing in NLP about how we do things based on our own experience but when you offer to help someone else, it shouldn’t be about you.
What do you do when you find yourself experiencing the same situations over and over again.
No matter how much your life seems to change you find yourself going through the same old, same old.
Who’s to blame?
Why is it happening?
And most importantly, how do you break the cycle?
I’m going to have start researching more so I can make references but what I do know is that blaming yourself rarely helps.
You don’t need to blame anyone else either. Instead, just know that you can change things.
It happens because our brains get lazy, they love repeating patterns and loops even when they aren’t most beneficial. We handle situations however we know how and sometimes we don’t have the knowledge or tools to react in a way that will be helpful in the long run.
Before you know it, you’re finding yourself in the same situations and reacting similarly to how you first did. Nothing has changed aside from the fact that you’re now 6 years older.
Breaking the cycle starts with acknowledging your circumstances because like a popular song lyric states ‘you can’t fix what you can’t see’. When you find yourself in that familiar situation don’t go into autopilot and just do what you usually do because things will never change that way.
You have to be conscious and self aware enough that you can stop and ask yourself ‘What is the most helpful way for me to respond that will achieve my desired outcome?’
This will be a trial and error thing but the advice I can give is to remember that you have no control over anyone but yourself and when thinking of your desired outcome make it based on how you want to feel.
There’s that story about a bunch of people blindfolded touching different parts of an elephant and describing what it’s like.
Each description is different yet all are valid. But to the man without a blindfold who can see the animal the others may all be wrong or only partially right. They’re each doing their best to offer a perspective based on the information that’s been given.
In Neuro Linguistic Programming there’s a presupposition that says:
Everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have available
And so if we accept this presupposition perhaps we can be a little more understanding of where people are coming from.
In situations that don’t turn out how we’d have liked we often tell ourselves that if the roles were reversed we’d have handled things better.
When we’re observing or experiencing a persons response or reaction to something, we’re experiencing it second hand from a different perspective.
NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) has a presupposition that says people do the best they can based on the the information they have and their past experiences.
It’s quite easy to become critical of how someone handles something when you feel that making a different choice would improve the outcome.
But what really happens when the roles are reversed.
Over the past 6 or so months I’ve experienced situations where I was now person A whose response to situations would have an impact on the other person, B.
Something I’ve learnt is that sometimes when you’re person A doing what feels ‘right’, honest or true to yourself is often not going to be aligned with the outcome person B would want. I’m learning that it’s important to be honest more than trying to be a good person or doing things based on putting yourself in control of how someone else will feel.
Even if you don’t get the chance to experience the flip-side of a situation that didn’t turn out how you wanted, looking at a situation from the other persons perspective is truly a useful exercise.