If you’re wondering what she carries with her, the answer is fear.
It’s in her voice, the way she talks. You’ll hear the words not quite flow because she’s second guessing herself, so worried about not saying the wrong thing that she can never say the right thing.
It’s in the way she walks, with her head down and no eye contact. She sort of stomps along as if to make her presence known but all she wants to do is hide.
And if you watch her you’ll see it in the way she picks at her fingers, fidgets in her seat and constantly observes her surroundings as though there is something to fear.
But there is something to fear, at least there is in her world.
There’s mistakes, embarrassment and comparison.
And it’s in the way she moves. She’s so tense and rigid that it feels uncomfortable to relax her muscles.
She is so full of fear and she carries it with her wherever she goes.
If she could only let it go it would change her life and she knows it but she doesn’t know how.
Even when she can’t feel it, it’s still there lingering.
But most people have no idea and so they just think she’s a little odd but she’s just trying to be normal.
Through discovering the kind of person that I want to become I’ve learnt a lot about who I am.
It’s interesting to observe yourself and how you interact with others. Are you kind to yourself, what are your relationships like, how do you show up in different situations.
When you uncover the things you need to work on it can be hard to accept them in a loving way and not get frustrated at how much work you have to do.
But that awareness is important. Being able to see yourself as you are is important and even though you might feel like the work is too much or overwhelming you don’t have to do it all right now.
You just have to start.
Then work your way through it bit by bit, until eventually you’ll be transformed.
Someone who is confident, asks questions, isn’t afraid to rock the boat when necessary, puts themselves forward, goes above and beyond, voices their opinions and is keen to learn new things.
Someone who does what they’re told and is content ploughing along. They might want to do more but they’re unlikely to seek it out because it would require more of them than they’re willing to give.
Someone that thought they could be Person B but deep down they’re a Person A, they just don’t have the confidence. They’re the person who is scared to put themselves forward but wants to do more. They have opinions but don’t often share them. They want to do more than the bare minimum but are also afraid of the attention.
I think most people fit into one of these categories. And of course overtime you can move from one to another. When Person B decides they want more they become person C and then (hopefully) Person A.
But interestingly enough person A can change too. Often caused by their ideas not being embraced, or getting too much pushback, being told to be a little less of themselves etc.
Person A is the most valuable of the three, they get things done whilst being willing to express their humanness.
Person B is like a cog. They don’t stand out and anyone could do what they do.
And Person C, well they have the potential to be great, if they’re willing to try.
It turns out I’ve been hiding.
I’ve been hiding from the kind of writing that challenges me. I used to think that that meant being more personal and baring my soul.
But I was wrong.
I think there is beauty in being able to write something that not only moves the reader but also the writer.
Not the painful, tortured writer but instead the kind of writing with feeling behind it instead of just words.
It’s hard to find the time to push myself with what I share on The Daily Gemm in-between everything I have going on (and everything I distract myself with). And sometimes I allow myself to be bare minimum because I know I can get away with it.
But I read something beautiful this morning and it moved me. It made me remember just what I love about writing. It got me thinking about how I used to write and how I haven’t pushed myself to explore my writing enough.
I don’t even remember the last time I just sat and wrote without thinking about what I would do with it once it was finished.
I haven’t written a poem in months.
I daydreamed about writing these personal essays about my life yet I rarely write more than a couple hundred words at a time and never get round to even planning the essays.
I’ve been hiding and I didn’t even know it.
Sometimes bounce-back and sometimes give yourself time.
I dedicated a whole post to bouncebackability. It’s an important part of life and I believe that having the resilience to not let every little thing in life knock you about is useful.
But on the flip-side sometimes you just need a break. You need to eat good food, take a walk, relax, spend time alone, sleep, do something enjoyable, turn your phone off, sit in silence, take some deep breaths, get a massage or whatever it may be.
It’s not about wallowing but instead admitting ‘I’m going through something and I’m going to take care of myself’. Don’t be so quick to always bounce back to the point where you’re trying to bypass or ignore your feelings.
A few words on self acceptance.
As you take the time to explore yourself you’re likely to discover all kinds of things: the good the bad and the ugly.
You might find that there are some things about yourself that have put you at a disadvantage and they’re not always easy to accept.
The things that make you different, the things that have to be explained in order for people to understand you, the things that make you uncomfortable and maybe it’s things you wish you could just bypass.
But these challenges, the things you find difficult are probably great learning opportunities or what I like to call growth points.
Of course that doesn’t make them any easier but what I’ve learnt is that the more you push back and resist the more challenging things become. Whereas, if you’re more open, willing to accept your circumstances and explain things to the right person (or people), the situation softens.
And once it softens it becomes more malleable and in turn more manageable until eventually you overcome it or learn to handle it better.
On how pent up energy comes out in unexpected ways.
Sometimes when a person over reacts it’s because they’ve got built up frustration or anger and this particular situation has been the breaking point.
All of a sudden you’re losing your cool over ‘spilt milk’ and sometimes in the moment you don’t even know why you’re so mad.
In hindsight you know that ‘spilt milk’ wasn’t worth shouting about but you did it anyway.
And to everyone around you, you just overreacted or lost your temper because they don’t know about everything that led to that moment.
It might even change how they are around you, because when you’re around anyone can get it and nobody wants to be anyone.
So if you care enough you might want to learn to address things in the moment instead of letting them fester.
That way your response to ‘spilt milk’ will be about the ‘spilt milk’ not because your colleague was rude, someone lied to you and that family member keeps asking you for money.