Talk but don’t dwell

Often when we talk about difficult things we get so caught up in the story that we end up dwelling on it.

Sometimes to the point where we end up reliving it and our bodies remember exactly how it felt.

It could be a time you felt rejected, overwhelmed or ignored.

It’s not difficult to understand that those are things you might want to speak about. But it is important that you’re not just talking about it for the sake of it.

Talking is an amazing tool that you can use to help get past or overcome challenges but also just to get things off your chest.

However, if every few days you’re having conversations telling the same story about a situation that didn’t feel good, that’s just dwelling and it’s probably not going to benefit you in any way either.

It’s like that popular quote says:

Where attention goes energy flows

If you catch yourself telling the same stories over and over stop and ask, why?

It could be because you’re not over it and you still have strong emotions attached to whatever happened. If it’s something you want to get past, start with learning how to let go.

 

You should take your own advice

One of the easiest ways to gain trust is by doing exactly what you tell others to do.

People are much less likely to listen to what you say if it’s not what you do.

And that’s why I’m careful about the advice I give and the words I share, the truth is I’m still working on all of it.

But I’ve tried it which is why I’m comfortable telling you to try it.

But people that sit around dishing out advice that they themselves don’t practice, those people might not be worth taking seriously because if they don’t even take the advice they give, why should you.

Why shouting might not get the message across

The talker may assume the louder my voice the more they’ll understand what I’m saying,  or maybe they feel like you’re not listening so they have no choice but to shout.

Nobody likes being shouted at and so the listener instead of focusing on the message will focus on the fact that you’re shouting and probably even be closed off to even trying to understand you.

People associate being shouted at with having done something wrong, it’s something associated with parents and teachers.

There’s not much use in shouting to try and get someone to listen, try simply talking instead.

But always remember, no matter how important you think your message is, you can’t force people to listen.

Testing the theory

Giving advice is easy but practicing what you preach takes commitment and belief. Especially when you as a reader don’t know what I do day to day so for you to take in or use what I say means I’m building trust.

A big part of that is being honest and living what I write. In a recent challenge that is set to become my biggest growth point I felt myself dwelling and wondered how long it would last.

That is until I remembered my post titled bouncebackability and I them started to think not about how dreadful the situation was but instead what I would need to overcome it.

A simple way to become more confident

Practice.

I think the problem many people face is the feeling of overwhelm when the compare where they are with where they want to be.

Instead of focusing on what they can do from where they’re currently at they focus on the gap.

And sometimes that gap is vast.

But like I said at the start it’s just a matter of practice. And that might be to practice voicing your thoughts in a group setting when someone asks of anyone has any points they want to add.

Practice going to events alone and making an effort to talk to strangers despite the discomfort or nerves.

Pick what you want to work on and see how it goes. It might be challenging the first time but don’t be put off because we all know that practice makes perfect and if not perfect it makes you better than you were yesterday.

Make a good habit easier

Implementing good habits into your life can be difficult and so you might be put off from making changes in your life.

However the simple thing that might not have occurred to you is that you can try to make a good habit easier to keep up with.

It could be as easy as placing a glass of water at your bedside every night and carrying a refillable bottle with you where ever you go.

Downloading a guided meditation that you can listen to offline and setting your morning alarm with a note that reads ‘meditation time’ as a prompt.

Creating an evening ritual of preparing lunch for the next day whilst listening to a podcast at a set time daily.

Think about how you can arrange your day to make the habit you want to start practicing a seamless part of your routine.

Once you do that you’ll notice things get a little easier as long as you’re committed and willing to try.

Generous projection

When we give to others generously and it isn’t received in the way we expected or would have preferred the first instinct might be to find fault in the receiver.

But often what is actually happening is we’re projecting. In many cases we give to others what we wish we had or could receive rather than assessing this persons needs as an individual.

Perhaps it’s in the form of constantly checking in or offering advice because you wished someone had checked in with you and gave you guidance.

But then the receiver might reject all the advice you give and not open up when you check in which could leave you frustrated.

You’ll find yourself wondering why this person isn’t grateful for your generosity, after all you didn’t have anyone do this for you.

It’s at that point that you might want to reflect on why this person might be responding the way they do.

If you really want to help someone ask them what they need rather than just putting yourself in there position.

There’s a thing in NLP about how we do things based on our own experience but when you offer to help someone else, it shouldn’t be about you.