For many people, how they value themselves comes from other people.
This can be great when people are treating you well but when not so much when you’re treated poorly. You go from feeling good about yourself to not feeling good enough and because you’ve become reliant on other people to determine your value.
It may even get to the point where you almost feel lost and are unable to truly establish how you feel about yourself without it coming from other people. And so, you feel down and worthless whilst also blaming other people for how you feel.
I think that stage of blaming others continues until you’re able to realise that nobody else should be in control of how you feel about yourself. That’s not a solid foundation.
If you find yourself regularly having conversations that don’t go as planned, in the sense that the outcome you intended wasn’t achieved (or you just end up getting frustrated) it’s worth taking the time to figure out where things went wrong.
Sometimes, it is a simple case of two people with different perspectives not being willing to listen to each other.
Other times it could be that before you get into the meat of the conversation you need to establish what the purpose is, to avoid going off track.
So often it’s easy to blame the other person, to say that the issue is that they weren’t listening. But, maybe there are things that you can do differently even if it is simply walking away from the conversation earlier and choosing to not engage with the person.
You don’t want to find yourself in a cycle of getting swept up in a conversation you don’t actually want to be in.
And, maybe you simply picked the wrong person to have a conversation with.
If that’s the case, use your past experience as a learning point to realise that you need to have this conversation with someone else next time.
The idea that what you are doing might not be good enough can be difficult to accept. Especially when that might be the reason why people aren’t supporting your work.
It’s much easier to hide behind the excuse that people just aren’t supporting you because you’re not popular but if it was *insert name of celebrity*, they’d be all over it.
That could be true for some situations but it isn’t always the case.
On the flipside, instead of playing the blame game you could accept that maybe your work needs work.
Instead of feeling frustrated that you aren’t getting enough support take some time out hone your craft, learn something new and improve. Then put your work out again.
If it’s better received great but if not then maybe you need to change the people you’re sharing it with.
A useful skill to acquire is to know what you need in your off moments. But then to go one step further and honour those needs.
So often we get a feeling for what we should do but we push it aside and trudge on. We tell ourselves it’s inconvenient, we don’t want to offend people or we feel stuck with where we are or previous decisions we’ve made.
But when you ignore the feeling of knowing, there will always be consequences. Things like feeling uncomfortable, regret or frustration.
And often we put those feelings on the person or people we were with at the time. In those cases, it might feel easier to blame others because it relinquishes you of your responsibility.
However, perhaps next time the feeling of knowing what you need comes around you could try following it. Of course be polite or respectful of who you’re with but don’t forget the importance of taking care of yourself.
You don’t have to play, you can always opt out.
I used to be the sort of person who would blame other people for the misfortunes of my life. Not in an explicit way but I felt that I needed certain people in my life to change in order for me to feel better in life.
At the time I truly believed that it was because of ‘them’ that my life had gotten to be so dreadful .
It didn’t even occur to me back then that I was giving my power away, that by blaming others for the state of my life I was declaring that I was not in control.
But after doing some reading, reflecting and ruminating I realised that I’m the one in control of my life.
I also realised that sometimes we subconsciously reject the responsibility over ourselves and our lives and look to other people as ‘the bad guys’ who’ve ruined things for us.
It takes courage to decide to take responsibility and stop playing the blame game.
The problem with relying on someone else to change in order for you to be feel good is that the person may never change. By playing the blame game you just end up missing out and that’s no fun.