If you get someone used to treating you a certain way or acting in a particular way towards you, the person will come to expect you to allow it.
Sometimes you allow things that you aren’t okay with because you don’t want to rock the boat, hurt the persons feelings or you’ve told yourself that being clear about what you’re not okay with is confrontational. And so instead of saying, ‘I’m not okay with you doing that’ you say, ‘No worries’ or ‘It’s okay’.
Doing this teaches the other person that you’re okay with what they’re doing. We often fall into the idealism of thinking people will automatically know what we’re thinking or feeling but it’s not true. We shouldn’t expect people to read our minds when we can use our voices.
I’m not sure who said it but there’s a quote or perhaps a tweet that goes something like ‘You have to teach people how to treat you’. Yet, we’re taught to almost just accept how we’re treated as long as a person doesn’t have bad intentions.
I find that the relationships where I am very clear, where I call things out instead of letting them slide, are the ones that I feel most comfortable in. When you put pressure on yourself to always be fine with everything even when you’re not it builds up feelings of resentment, anger or frustration and that energy has to go somewhere.
It either leads to an outburst towards the person you should have been clear with from the start or an outburst at someone totally unrelated to the situation.
If you’ve found yourself working from home over the past 16 months, chances are that at some point the lines have blurred.
This happens when you don’t create clear boundaries. As much as working from home gives you more freedom and flexibility, you’re still working.
And so being curled up on the sofa with a blanket and ginger tea might seem like a good idea but in reality it’s not really the suitable space for writing up a report.
You can learn a lot from someone by simply observing them.
I recently noticed in a particular relationship that the other person had very clear boundaries. It wasn’t anything that had been explicitly stated but through this persons actions it was very clear what they were and were not open to.
Sometimes a persons boundaries can feel personal. You might feel that they’re being harsh and closed off toward you. On the other hand you might internalise it and end up thinking you need to put in more effort.
In the situation I experienced I could have taken it personally, in fact 5 years ago I would have. I’d have thought this means [insert monologue of dramatic over reaction here] and maybe this person doesn’t like me.
But I now understand that a boundary is for the person setting them, it has little to do with the people on the receiving end.
Many people have an unspoken set of boundaries for what they do and don’t do or a set of rules that govern the choices they make.
And sometimes the boundaries that you give yourself become limitations.
Suddenly you find that you’re not doing the things that you want to do because your boundaries go against it.
However the thing about boundaries, though they have there benefits they can also be a hindrance.
The more you try to force yourself to adhere to them the harder you judge yourself when you stray.
But, it’s perfectly okay to move away from the person that you thought you’d be.